More gain, more brain

Scientists in Paris, Texas have recently developed a device for adjusting human IQ. "We're very excited about the possibilities, " said Dr. Lars Ulrich, team leader for the Walmart-funded effort. "This could revolutionise the way we live and work."
Professor Sonny Rollins then described the device and its effects. "Basically it is a head-worn device, sort of like an electronic hair-net, which interacts with the electromagnetic field generated by the human brain to change your IQ."
But what is the practical use of such a device. Herr Doktor Professor Otto Klemperer takes up the story: "When Lars and Len Bernstein came up mit dis ting, ve vere all saying, "Vot de hell gut is it for?" an tings like dat. But ve realised it vud be gut for ze boring job, you chust turn it down to like 80 or 90, zen you're a happy liddl verker! Zen for ze philozophical dizcussion, you crank it up all de vay to 180, hein?"

Lab intern Jim Hendrix tries on the prototype, aided by
Dr Elvis Costello (suit). Here, his brain has been turned
down until he finds Thomas The Tank Engine interesting.

However, not everyone is so delighted with the project. In New York, Italy, Monsignor Sting of the Catholic Thought Police has had ethical objections to the project's goals since its inception. "We have always believed that God does not want Man indulging in hubristic technology, walking on the moon and so forth. We must remember that we are spirits in a material world. Altering the IQ at a time when so many drone service workers are needed may seem like synchronicity, but you must remember that, just as every breath you take is a gift from God, so your IQ is God's gift to you and should not to be tampered with."
Flushed with their lab success, the team is going on to create a device that deals with emotional IQ. "We have been using ourselves as subjects," says leader of the new project Professor Elvis Costello," But we're finding it hard to get a reading. I guess we'll have to get some chicks in."

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Apple follows golden iPod road to Oz

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Bublé blows off local talent

We hear noted neo-Sinatranista Michael Bublé will be touring downunder with an OS support act… no local musos on the bill! Word is that the promoter cited difficulty in finding a local act as the reason (so few bands in this country!). The tour was approved by an Immigration Dept. interpretation of the industry code of practice. Perhaps they are taking a leaf from the Real Book - we musicians love creativity of interpretation! Musos Union is believed to be arguing the toss with the Immigration Dept.

Bands beat bandits

Whisper from Sydney is that bands have been brought back to a number of former pokie-only venues. A number of new venues featuring bands have also opened. Is this the start of a trend reversal in coathanger town?

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