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November 2004
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How to get a properly paid gig (Part 1) First some brutal facts:
I know this does not sit well with all that stuff about paying your dues, being true to your artistic soul and avoiding commerciality at all costs but we are talking about paid gigs, not some myth of future stardom. Getting a decent financial return for all that effort you have put into becoming a musician is not a sell-out. Pleasing a crowd is in fact a rather noble aim... it also pays the bills instead of draining the bank account. Incidentally, these principals apply to ALL styles of music. OK, enough of the rave, let's get down to it. We'll start by analysing those brutal facts in more detail. If you want a venue to pay you to perform then they've got to be convinced that they can make a buck out of it. Venue owners are not principally in the business of "supporting the arts". This does not make them all evil materialistic jerks. (some of them even actually like music!) They are trying to make a living in a very competitive industry. Venue owners are usually either paying stiff rent or an even stiffer mortgage. They have to pay staff, suppliers, electricity.. even occasionally advertising. All of this takes money and the only source of money available is the aforementioned bums on the aforementioned seats. Apart from paying the day-to-day bills, a venue owner also needs to see a return on investment. This means two things:
Both of these need regular and sizable crowds. Venues make money out of bums on seats Here are the possible ways a venue can get money (I'm assuming that the venue is a legal business):
That's about it! All of these will provide more money if more people come. Full stop! Bums on seats occur because punters want to come This may seem self-evident but many musicians do not really understand it. A band does not "deserve" a crowd because they play well. The music business, like life, is frequently unfair...get over it. If you want to get paid, you'd better work out how to make punters want to come. If you do that then the bums on seats will be there, the venue can make money and the venue owner will want to pay you. Full stop again! Punters mostly like music they have heard before This is not such an outrageous statement as it may appear at first sight. You tend to buy food that you know you will like. You may make some "experimental" purchases but these represent a very small percentage of your food budget. Would you rather be trying to sell meat pies or "Ferdinand's gumnut and kangaroo claw paté"? (vegetarians, don't answer!) Like food, music is a product. Selling what people want is easier than trying to break new ground (but don't get on your artistic high horse just yet, we'll look at sneaking in some "new ground" later.) There are some other ways to attract punters and we'll look at them, but this is still a solid principle. Family and friends don't count. Sure you can get them to come to some of your gigs but four or five times a week? ...and paying? I don't think so. These people are also not your most objective critics. THE PLAN Once you can view gigs in this context, you can make a plan that will raise your chances of getting properly paid gigs enormously. Here's an outline of the steps you need to take:
Next time we'll look at what these mean and how to apply them, in the meantime, start thinking!
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News
in Breve Hendrix Experience However the mysterious Professor el Haq had been outed in the 1950's by a Catholic missionary for pursuing an inappropriate relationship with a wide-mouthed frog. It seems that to revenge this humiliation, el Haq had colluded with the Iraqui secret service and shadowy figures from Mossad to set in place a global strategy to contaminate church wine with the compound. The strategy has continued to this day. When asked about his personal involvement, Mr Haji Baba said he could not remember any details and lunged at journalists flourishing an extraordinary erection.
Timberlake in Talent Mystery Detectives are questioning a 53-year-old PR consultant following the rumoured disappearance of Justin Timberlake's talent. The consultant Mr Drex Uphill-Gardner has had an extensive career. He has worked with Frankie Avalon, Mike Sarne, Scott McKenzie, Bucks Fizz, Plastic Bertrand and Bros before a brief stint as CEO of the online weight loss company Looz-It.com in 1999.
Mr Uphill-Gardner offered firm reassurance that, like all the people he has represented, Mr Timberlake is the most talented performer he has ever seen. The confusion has arisen from a remark made by Justin's personal trainer who said that he lacked core stabilisers. This is being addressed by extensive time spent bouncing on a large inflated rubber ball.
Zappa Memorial In War Against Terror Residents of Little Hope, Montana have been sent into a spin following the recent presidential warning of a new form of attack from Al Quaida.
I might be movin' to Montana soon President Bush has announced that U.S. intelligence sources have uncovered a plot to saturate the American confectionery market with irresistible Turkish delight. The objective is to produce a blight of tooth decay to mirror the moral decay of the U.S. culture. Condoleeza Rice hissed "These damn fundamentalists are committed to metaphor." As fear sweeps the nation, one San Diego dentist has gone so far as to cancel a golf day. Several Hollywood identities have been confined to bunkers to protect their winning smiles. Meanwhile in Little Hope, no metaphors have been recorded since 1871.
Mariah numb to numbers Asked to rate her abilities on a scale of 10 Mariah Carey snapped : " I'm like an artist um singer, like star sorta thing not a mathemathingy counter whatever. I'm so not a number. And if I was, that whole scaly thing is just so yucky. How many is 10 anyway?"
Tyson tongue-twister Former World Champion Mike Tyson has finally revealed the source of his venomous energy. In a writ issued against the estate of Nicolas Slonimsky it is claimed he has lived in anguish for years. Mr Tyson turned to street crime from his intended career as a jazz pianist when he was humiliated in a music shop at the age of 12. He could not pronounce Nicolas Slonimsky's Thesaurus of Scales and Melodic Patterns. The defence has moved for dismissal on the grounds that there is no such thing as a career as a jazz pianist.
Slonm...Slomin... damn,
Eminem seminarian
Jacko Who nose? The extraordinary talents of Michael Jackson may be turned to
an extraordinary project. In the wake of claims of successful human cloning
rumours abound that Jacko may seek to clone himself in order to graft
back his original nose. This is not inspired
Paranormal encounter Music business impresario David Grade is resting comfortably in hospital today after a chance encounter with an alleged musician. "I thought I'd seen a ghost," said Mr Grade. "I know we still collect money for their work, but I had no idea there were any left alive."
Artist's impression of musician
Recording consternation New York singer-songwriter Little Ruthie Diva has stunned seasoned engineers by singing in tune on a backing track for her new CD. "We can fix it in the mix," her manager claimed. "It's a good thing the guys were there. It could have spelled the end of her career." "It was an accident," wailed Ruthie later. "It was, like, kinda funky, though." The innovation may send shockwaves through the industry. From the cover of ... Rolling Stone fans were rocked by the news that it is no longer cool to read Rolling Stone. A tired editor, Ben Fong Torres, conceded that a webzine article describing RS as not only RS but as a maudlin idyll of a Republican Americana had numbed his senses. "We are no longer cool," he admitted. "It is also uncool to use the word 'cool'."
Fong Torres retorted, "Everybody's beautiful in their own way," confirming that his own much feted flirtation with Eastern mysticism had been less than successful.
Grimethorpe Colliery band member found in bath Yesterday, Grimethorpe Colliery Brass Band resident tambourinist Des Fint was discovered stark naked in the bath with water up over his navel by his wife in the couple's Bloom St residence. Police are investigating the incident. Apparently, this is not the first time since their marriage eight months ago that Mrs Fint has made such a discovery.
Mrs Fint in shock
Ain't That a Shamish Self proclaimed plagiarist Hamish Ben- Gurion formerly of the Significantly Below Average White Band is still smouldering over recent law suits. After his Christmas Album cover featuring Three Wise Men bringing Gold , Frankincense and Plastic Explosive was withdrawn and the forced closure of his Berlin gay bar called The Lord of The Rings ,it appears that his unusual golf club design The Harry Putter is also under embargo. " If they stop me selling my self-immolating privet hedge - The George Bush, I'll go back to rock and roll. I thought post modernism made all this OK." he moaned.
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Terrorists
are suspected of tampering with church wine. Ali Hai Haji Baba,
61, broke down while being interviewed as a contender for The World's
Silliest Name. Mr Haji Baba, a former research scientist, admitted that
while a PhD student at the University of Khartoum in the early 1960's
he developed a breakthrough drug to regulate vasodilation and improve
blood flow. He said his supervisor, Professor Haq el Haq (a former
winner of The World's Silliest Name) had previously isolated the active
element in hashish which obliterates memory. Together they had produced
a compound which stimulates promiscuous sexual activity and then blots
out all memory of the activity itself. Mr Haji Baba went on to confess
that he had used his work to infiltrate the inner circle of pop icon James
[Jimi] Marshall Hendrix.
The
economy of Little Hope depends entirely on the production of dental floss.
The industry developed as a memorial to rock legend Frank Zappa
to acknowledge the line from the song Montana in which he said:
As the record
buying public begins to realize that Eminem's apparent reputation
for depravity and violence is just another piece of corporate marketing
schlock, his Eminemce has sought to refurbish his brand image by joining
a seminary. "Dese dudes r de real deal."intoned an awestruck
Em.
by
retro narcissism. Michael has been transported by recordings of jazz great
Rahsaan Roland Kirk. Kirk's skills on the nose flute have snared
Jacko's imagination but he is unable to produce a decent tone with his
current overworked and undernourished equipment. The cloning prospects
seem to be his best chance of emulating the great Kirk's achievements.
Torres,
64, said his critics were running dogs of the older generation. He snorted
that they had probably never even worn flares. Journalists at the scene
formed a huddle, but eventually confessed that they did not know what
flares were.
